Q. Why did the violist get mad at the timpanist?
A. He had turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.

Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up the oboe.

Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline..

Q. What do you call a trombone player with a pager?
A. An optimist.

Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. Ten yards, if you have a good arm.

Q: What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. What does the violist say when he gets to his gig?
A. Would you like fries with that?

Q. How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his alto clarinet.

Q. How are a violists fingers like lightning?
A. Neither strikes the same place twice.

Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personality.

Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q What do you call 100 violists at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A. The cello burns longer.

Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What do you call a trombone player with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the definition of a Gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the trombone, and doesn't.

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?
A. Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A. Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it, the rest of the world revolves around her.

Q. How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A. Put some music in front of him.

Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone?
A. Vibrato.

Q. How do know there's a trombonist at your front door?
A. He's the one wearing the Domino's Pizza delivery hat.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutists/oboists/fretless bassists playing the same note.

Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They aren't - violinists' heads are bigger.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q. How many vintage guitar collectors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Even thought the light bulb is defective, replacing it with a modern bulb would lower the value of the entire ceiling.

Q. How do you know when the backup singer's knocking at your door?
A. He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How do you know when there's a guitar player at your front door?
A: The knocking just keeps getting louder and faster.

Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a lawnmower?
A: It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawnmower.

Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None... Alesis makes a machine that's more reliable.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause it's electric.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause they didn't get to solo first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,001. 1 to replace the bulb, and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one around.

Q: How many saxophonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six: One to screw it in, and five to analyze how Michael Brecker would do it.

Q: What do a drummer and a condom have in common?
A: It's safer to have one around, but it feels better without one!

Q. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A. Drool.

A Kid says to his Mom "When I grow up I want to be a drummer". Mother replies, "Oh son, You can't do both".